What I Learned From My Exes

Values that I didn’t understand, led to the mistakes in letting them choose me. The knowledge I wish my younger self knew.

Photo by Wladislaw Peljuchno on Unsplash

In no order and some points may apply to more than one. Again, these are points made upon self-reflection. From the perspective of a heterosexual female. Share your knowledge below!

Ex #1 — I would describe this ex as the cup half empty, impossible to fill. Ironically always less of an optimist and always unsatisfied. He was — metaphorically speaking — addicted to meth. The normal levels of dopamine and serotonin received from sex were a broken ice cap. Relapse and withdrawal of his serotonin increased aggression and mood changes. Compliance was his meth in disguise. Quality, quantity, and consistency kept the cap on.

Photo by Sandip Kalal on Unsplash

1. Being alone will always be better than being with someone who doesn’t value who you really are.
2. After 3 months, they will exhibit their true self, for they can no longer pretend. They can only pretend to be what you want for so long.
3. There is nothing wrong with me. Yes, I have flaws. There is room to learn and grow, but this is not the build-a-bear workshop. This may be a reflection of their own failures. Know the difference between encouragement and projection.
4. Be wary of people who care about image. In my experience, if my own self-image did not equate to, or exceed my ex’s expectations, I became less to little to nothing.
5. Confidence is attractive, but there is such a thing as being too proud and having too much pride. This may be a reflection of their own insecurities.
6. They are different behind closed doors. You were once on the other side of this door, a stranger for them to impress. The gentle push that lets you in may now be the firm grip that stops the knob.
7. Do you find yourself trying to impress them now? Do not try to prove yourself. They may have successfully manipulated you into submitting to them. Partners are equal, you should not feel like the lesser of the partner.
8. “I understand but — ” does not mean that they truly understand. Identify the difference between broken communication and a broken receiver. The telephone lines may have either been cut, or you have encountered a dark empath with their own hidden agenda.
9. Understand the intentions behind everything they say and do. Identify good and bad intentions. Identify the difference between intentions that are meant to help you learn and grow, and intentions meant to groom and manipulate you. If you find yourself slowly becoming anxiously attached to your “partner,” they may have successfully groomed you into being dependent on them. When do they choose to pay for dinner — in private or in front of guests? When do they choose to do you favors? Are there any personal gains? Was their gesture selfless or an unconsented trade that they can cash in later?
10. Do not look for conflict in the relationship. But know not to be too forgiving. They continue their actions because you continue to tolerate them.
11. Don’t let them raise their voice at you. Never let them raise a hand at you. Granted, in times of high tension, keeping a normal level of volume is difficult. However, was the outburst out of instinct followed by an instant apology, or driven by manipulation and control?
12. Remember to say aloud what you like about each other to appreciate what you have with each other before it's too late. Even if you made the dinner, and thank them for doing the dishes, it was still their choice.

Ex #2 — I would compare this ex to a rat. Though this ex was taught the ideals of loyalty, they do not know how to be loyal. When resources dwindle in the pack, competition increases. The alpha rat will always think of themselves as better and thus, there must always be a beta rat. God forbid the alpha rat feels inferior to the pack. As long as the rat benefits from the group, the group may benefit from the rat. But little does the alpha rat know that the pack is what makes the rat. This extreme confidence is typically a veneer masking their cripplingly low self-esteem. Criticism, whether it is constructive or not, is never received well. Deflection, defense, and denial are key. Their frail ego is the cause of their impulsive acts of betrayal and cowardice. Their inability to admit to their faults, self-reflect, manage and express their emotions is their ultimate downfall. Thus, they will never be able to heal.

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1. Date to marry. Are your core values in line? Are you comfortable in letting this person help you to raise your kids?
2. Two wholes together as one, rather than two halves together to make one. Don’t be with someone who is afraid to be alone.
3. When they sense that the relationship is at stake, your absence will inspire a behavioral change. The positive changes in their behavior are periodic, as their true self will arise again.
4. Parents who are overly attached to their child may be at risk of putting their child’s development on hold and can stunt their child’s emotional and psychological growth. A child burdened with the responsibilities of helping their sibling more than they should — due to the parent, or both parents lacking the capability and responsibility to do so — will consequently result in a child with unmet social affairs and social development. As a result, preventing your opportunity to facilitate a healthy relationship with their child.
5. Parents that say “it’s either her/him or us,” will never fully respect you. Your partner’s parents should support the sanctity and priority of your relationship/marriage.” Not to say that you should pick your partner over your parents, but that their parents should understand that they are both a priority now. Balance is key.
6. If they respect their mother they’ll respect you. If they respect their sister they’ll respect you. The lack of respect that their mother has for their father, is the lack of respect that they’ll have for you. How their father treats their mother, is how they’ll treat you.
7. Kind gestures and/or gifts brought to you by their family do not count for their own efforts in pursuing you. They are not spending money on you because you are not worth it to them. They are not trying to understand your passions and hobbies because you are not worth it to them. Poetry is complex, but one can still listen to the poet with an open mind.
8. “Women aren’t funny.” “She’s fat and ugly anyway.” You are not “different” from other girls. If he is not saying it unironically, prepare to be belittled and disrespected.
9. Do they have a good heart? Did they appreciate you and your efforts during the relationship? Did they respect you during the ending of the relationship? Did they appreciate you and your efforts after the end of the relationship? If the end of the relationship occurred with you being on the wrong end of the stick, did they learn from this relationship?
10. You don’t hate sex. It is not enjoyable because you are too selfless and they are too selfish. You want it to end quickly because you are with the wrong person. “Women leave mentally before they leave physically…Once you lose her mind, the body soon follows.”
11. There is a difference between being sorry and saying sorry. “Just say sorry man, happy wife, happy life.” Both parties will lose.
12. Know when you deserve better. Have enough respect for yourself to know when to leave.

Ex #3 — A cheater.

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1. Leave.