My Past Relationship Red-Flags.

It’s not about how they dress, but how they behave towards you and others. May be applied to platonic relationships as well.

Photo by vadaka1986 on flickr

In no order and some points may apply to more than one. Again, these are points made upon self-reflection. From the perspective of a heterosexual female. Share your knowledge below!

Ex #1 — The Master Manipulator. This ex understood my emotions well enough to bend them according to how they wanted me to feel. They’re an incredibly charming person, they communicate and connect with others easily. Their ability to understand others will allow them to come off as wise and persuasive. Their ability to socialize well will allow them to falsify a sense of safety and security for their victim. Those that see through them will be kept far from them. Those that see only the good in them will continue to benefit from them. Those that do good for them may fall victim to them. They will never be able to confront those that see through them; they’ll find themselves insecure when they are no longer in control.

Image from Coraline by Laika Animation Studios

1. They’ll put me in a dangerous position. All actions have an intent behind them. All actions may have consequences. They know what they are doing. They understand social cues, implications, constructs, etc. They understand how their actions can affect you and others. Do not make excuses for them. They may already be trying to make excuses for themselves.
2. They don’t see you in their future. They don’t plan ahead. Not for a marriage or wedding. However, if both individuals have a busy schedule, they should feel more inclined to set aside time for you. Maintaining a relationship is a responsibility. If you never water the plant, it’ll never grow. It should feel exciting for them to do so, not a chore. Communicate; a consistent schedule is difficult.
3. They are bad at setting expectations. “I will not have my phone at the dinner table tonight.” Expect them to not have their phone at the dinner table tonight. “I am really busy with work tonight, I will try not to have the phone at the dinner table tonight.” Expect them to have their phone at the dinner table tonight. You may dislike the phone at the dinner table, but pressuring or manipulating someone into stating expectations to your own liking is an expectation that is set without consent or full confirmation. If their manner is unsure, let them inform you of the inconvenience ahead of time.
4. Their expectations are driven by their own assumptions. They are bad at understanding what to expect. Their partner says, “I don’t know, I don’t think I’ll drink at the party tonight.” One should expect that their partner may still celebrate with a couple of shots. If you find yourself insecure about what your partner does at this party, that is for a separate conversation. If they feel that your partner's word choice is ambiguous, or vague, that is for a separate conversation.
5. They were more focused on my past and future than my present. In my personal experience, they were upset that I did not continue my past accomplishments; they saw that these accomplishments could’ve added value to my present image and that not continuing, was a great loss. Therefore, they could not see the present achievements that would become my future. That doesn’t mean that I’ve lost interest in my past accomplishments, they are just not my main focus. One can always remain a student of the game they once played but no longer play the game. This may be a reflection of their own insecurities and self-worth. This may be a projection of their own goals.
6. They were too focused on analyzing if I was the “perfect” person, rather than who I was as a person.
7. My father told me that he saw that the intentions behind this ex exhibited the desire to seek a relationship that would benefit himself— as everyone should, but the relationship should not only benefit himself. Even though they are physically spending time with you, you’ll often find yourself creating your schedule around them — due to their lack of effort in attempting to work with your schedule. You’ll find yourself sacrificing more (time, money, effort, plans, etc.) for him/her than he does for you. That is because he/she is unwilling to change his/her plans; he/she would rather have it be your inconvenience than his/hers. This person cares about themself and knows what is good for them. However, to an extent, they are ultimately too selfish.
8. They embarrass me in my absence. A partner should honor you even when you are not present. I now know what it is like to receive a smirk from a girl who knows more about what my boyfriend did last night than I do.
9. They didn’t defend me in my absence. They should defend you when someone speaks ill of you. This does not mean defending you for attacking that man/woman for talking to your man/woman. This does not mean defending you when you make a fuss about not being invited to a friend of a friend’s party.
10. They once had an interest/pursued a relationship in all of their current opposite sex (sex that they are attracted to) friendships, and with the ones that they did not pursue, was because they could not pursue — taken, the distance, etc.
11. Their ego and insecurities invade their ability to fully support and love you. They take credit for your positive influence on them, they avoid bringing up your achievements in conversations with others, etc. This may be because they do not want to seem like the lesser partner of the relationship; when in reality they should see how amazing of a person they are with.

Ex #2 — This ex was emotionally immature. He tried his best, with what he knew. Though he knew little, it was well appreciated. This person has much room for growth. They need a patient, kind, yet firm partner. If they find such a partner, they should appreciate them well. A relationship where partners accept each other's flaws, respect one another’s emotions and help each other grow, is a special one. However, growth cannot be one-side for long. You must be able to trust that your partner is an emotionally dependable person. Without signs of their emotional maturity, you may doubt their capacity to be a reliable support for the relationship. “Never let your gf/bf get in the way of finding your wife/husband.”

Image from Wall-E by Pixar Animation Studios

1. They will abandon you in difficult times. Your partner should want to present a united front with you. Regardless of your wrongs or rights, they should be by your side at the moment. If you were in the wrong (depending on how extreme), they should save the peace, pull you aside privately, and provide their own intellect upon the situation later. They may not always agree with you, but they should always be on your side. It will become difficult to trust/build trust with someone who always seems to support the other side.
2. They don’t invest in the relationship. They don’t allow themself to bond with you. Give the relationship 100% effort. Fear and negative thoughts will suffocate the relationship. Let oneself love fully and freely. If you truly don’t feel safe enough with this person to do so, then they are not the one.
3. They upgrade relationships. Everyone is entitled to finding someone better; they may feel more deserving of so. But there will always be someone conventionally more attractive. Take nothing for granted.
4. They don’t have time. One who cares will always find the time. One who cares will find creative ways to spend time with you. They will find fun activities to do with you. Because if they care; their goal is to continue to strengthen the relationship.
5. Not a good listener. I find these people to be unaware of their lack of consideration for others. A person unaware of their own flaws is in no harm to their good nature. But being with such a person will — over time — make you feel invisible. You’re so happy to see how much your loved one brightens up when they talk about their day, but they check out when they hear a voice, not of their own. They tend to remain consistently unresponsive or have a lack of input. This is because it is hard for them to find interest in what others say. They may overcome this trait if they understand that being interested in what their partner says will continue to strengthen the relationship. One cannot just “find” interest. Remember that you care about this person; you listen to them because you value them, and truly value what they have to say. Try putting it into practice and it will soon set in naturally. If you keep going to bed early consistently, you wake up at 7 am without the alarm naturally — and doesn’t your body feel better to wake up that way too? This may be a reflection of their upbringing. They may be used to talking about their own stories/experiences about others/themselves from having proud parents. Again nothing wrong here, they were just never taught/or fully learned the value of reciprocating.
6. They don’t know how to respectfully disagree.
7. They don’t know how to compromise. I feel like people tend to associate comprises in a relationship by lowering their standards to please the other person. I don’t believe that a compromise should be a trade-off. Both/or one side should not be losing something. A compromise should be made with consent, where both parties gain and benefit from it. “I need to study right now so I will cook dinner later.” “I will go to the store right now so you can study and while you cook I will play games.” “We will spend time together when dinner is ready.” Here both parties are allowed time to themselves, agree on a two-ended sacrifice that they can perform, that will benefit each other, and gain valuable time together in the end.
8. They are quick to give up. “I’m not a good listener,” “I am just not interested in your hobbies,” etc. This will translate into other hardships within the relationship: distance, job relocation, a sudden busy schedule, etc.
9. They confide in others before confiding in you. Address the problems within the relationship with your partner first, before bringing them to the attention of your friends and family. If this happens, understand that your partner may not feel safe confiding in you, this should be addressed.
10. They speak ill of you and others — especially during difficult times in the relationship. This is a reflection of their own insecurities, a self-defense mechanism, and a way of deflection.

These next few points will be dedicated to how I felt around them. In the end, you should always feel safe and comfortable in any relationship. You should be able to be vulnerable with them, and trust that they won’t use their own knowledge of you against you.

Photo Adene Sanchez / Getty Images

1. I become introverted around them. An ex once told me that I was the most introverted person they knew. They said that they found this odd because of my radiant social media page. I found this odd as well because family and friends have always found me outgoing, extroverted, or at least amnivert. I’ve come to realize that it was my body protecting me. I felt unsafe with him; it translated physically and verbally. The more he pushed me to speak, the quieter I grew around him as the relationship continued. This was clear to me when I sparkled with friends around us and became a dim light during longer periods that were alone with him. He suffocated my fire and so my light faded slowly.
2. They implement bad thoughts in my mind — whether it be about others or myself. Know the difference between pointing out a flaw to help others improve, or pointing out a flaw for the sake of just talking about it. Know the difference between confiding and depreciating. Are they just telling you how their coworker is annoying? Or are they “hush-hush” telling everyone that this one coworker is annoying? This may be harder to identify, for a “charming” person’s trash talk might seem more reputable than someone who is already socially neglected. A case of the “popular girl.” As much as you love the relationship you have with them, don’t support terrible behavior.
3. I get angry at them. Personally, when overwhelmed with emotions everything comes out in tears. Sad, tears. Too happy, tears. Too angry, tears. I can’t pull myself together to be mad at a loved one. They must have disrespected me greatly and put me in a position of extreme embarrassment to trigger a rise in me.
4. When I don’t care anymore. I stop asking for changes, and to “fix” a situation because I’m left with disappointment. My emotional needs aren’t being met. I find myself tired of “asking,” and just forgiving them more and more. By this point, I have numbed my emotions to suppress the pain, which in turn, has left me numb from any sort of feeling as well.
5. They make me feel as if what I already value about myself is not enough.
6. They make me feel stupid. Not verbally. But when the ideal goal in the relationship is to have my actions meet them halfway, I instead ran a marathon and they only ran a mile.