How to Spot a Narcissist.

Spot these narcissistic tendencies and prevent them from entering your life.

Photo by Jessie Thomas on Unsplash

Know that a narcissist’s sole motive is to watch out for themself. This is a disorder; their brains are wired to be inherently selfish. The reason as to how they became this way (upbringing/parenting) is for a separate article. But first, we need to learn about the disorder and understand the way they think in order to protect ourselves.

These are just a few points- I will write many more articles to explain narcissistic tendencies and psychology even further.

1. They ask a lot of questions. “Maybe they are just trying to get to know me — to see if I am a good person?” Bingo. They will only pursue you if you have a good heart. Those who have a good heart tend to forgive more than others or are at least more likely to give the narcissist the benefit of the doubt. Ex. Empaths: try to understand them as an individual rather than the monster they really are. Thus, empaths are their favorite supply.

• Are you a tough nut? A good spirit, boundaries, sense of confidence, and strong opinions will deter a narcissist. These qualities make their job — to control and manipulate — difficult. They are gathering information to use against you (sometimes not directly, as they are seeing what they can take/receive from you: skills, friends, reputation, etc.). They place small, intricate traps and indirect questions in an attempt to sense your strengths and weaknesses.
• Read intentions. Empaths will ask a lot of questions with good intentions. They genuinely want to understand you as an individual in order to help you feel safe and comfortable. Narcs will ask questions with intentions that are good for themselves. They wish to gain enough knowledge of you to create a false sense of security.
• This may not be easy to identify. If you are socially adept, you will know that asking questions, having an open ear, and allowing the other person to talk about themself is beneficial. It is natural to like a little bit of attention. This is especially difficult considering that everyone asks questions when they meet someone new and/or their environment deems it necessary.

“Be care with who you open up to. Few genuinely care. The rest are curious or have hidden motives.”

Photo by crayonjazz on flicker

2. Testing your boundaries. Narcissists will slowly poke at your boundaries until you lower your standards and move around your priorities for them — at this point, they won’t have to “poke” anymore, they’ll just ask and receive. If you are someone that is willing to consistently lower your standards and priorities for them, you will be integrated into their “supply” chain and you will feel their narcissistic abuse.

• Favors. They may do this by asking for small favors, knowing that the favor may be an inconvenience to your schedule. They’ll train you like a dog, starting with small favors, gradually increasing the size — until you have placed the narcissist as one of your priorities.
• Saturday, dinner at 7 pm with your friends, dress nice. The narcissist will test your loyalty to them by asking for a non-emergency big favor, a favor that will require you to give up your dinner plans for the narcissist. This stems from the fact that they genuinely feel like what they are asking from you is more important than your dinner plans. This process will be repeated, so subtly that you may not even notice.
• This may not be easy to identify. Three examples. Ex 1. Your significant other, as your significant other, should be one of your priorities. Just put yourself first, a good partner should understand and encourage that. Ex 2. someone that you’ve always idolized while growing up, such as your parents. Ex 3. Someone that has displayed narcissistic tendencies, but only fully transformed into a narcissist with time, such as a close friend.

“Don’t let someone get comfortable with disrespecting you.”

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3. Creating dependency. Is your significant other treating you poorly? Do your friends gossip behind your back? Perfect. If your life wasn’t in shambles already, it is about to become worse. A narcissist will want to know how close you are to the people around you. Narcs will want someone they can easily prise away from their friends. By isolating you from your support system, the situation will be made easier to subject you to their abuse — think, your co-workers, circle of friends, and family.

• An unbreakable bond. Friends who respect you and treat you will smell this narcissist from a mile away. Not only that, but friends who constantly remind you of your importance, and reinforce your self-worth are helping to create a character (you) that is not fit for narcissistic supply. The easier it is for them to isolate you, the easier it is to make you dependent on them.
• They want you to rely on them for support. Move in with them — away from your friends and family. Your job sucks, but this is your only source of income — it doesn’t matter — “you should quit your job.” Do you not have a car and work in the morning? — it doesn’t matter—they need you to pay for an uber to them now, and they won't drive to work in the morning.
• Love bombing and trauma bond. “You,” the codependent partner initially feels loved and cared for, but as the rose-colored glasses stay on, you attempt to understand “these” changes in a relationship. As their abuse continues to erode your mental and even physical state, you will not ask why it is occurring—believing that it is a part of the ordeal of “working” through the relationship. You believe in communication, and that a resolution may be met in order to bring back the loving part of the relationship. However, there is no such thing—it is as simple as you are not doing as they want, you are not falling for their gaslighting. Rejection and “no” is a tough pill for them to swallow.

“They convince you that your emotional reactions to the abuse are the problem, rather than them.”

Photo from istock.

4. Jealousy. Narcissists see aspects of you that they wish they had. Not speaking from an entitled standpoint — but the fact that these skills and/or talents of yours attract positive attention. Narcissists lack an identity, they build it over time through their supplies. While consuming all of your special traits, they will project their negative characteristics onto you. Narcs do this to ensure that when they leave you, you will be broken. This “broken” state is to get you to look for negative aspects about yourself, rather than any problems they have.

• Constructive criticism. Did you constructively criticize their Ex. artwork, photography, cooking, etc? Read into their reaction. Many will be hurt and upset initially, and they’ll take complete offense. They may belittle you, claim that you don’t know anything — yet still take your advice and credit it as an improvement that they made all on their own. This is shown through berating you while flourishing in the positive effect of your advice. Psychologically, they may react aggressively purely because you pointed out their “flaws.” How dare you not see them as perfect.
• They control out of the fear of abandonment. Did your boss offer you an all-expense paid trip? A higher wage, an opportunity to attend to your craft with the privilege to travel? How dare you leave the narcissist for 2 months without enough notice for them to find a new supply. How dare your boss see your potential. How dare it be you and not them. They will be pouty, childish, and unable to be happy for you. As much as they try to hide it, they wish they were you — most of all, they hate that they just found a decent supply that may unexpectedly leave them soon.
• Because you should be dependent on them for everything, your achievements are also their doing. Did you ask a friend or family member for advice on a matter regarding school, relationships, finances, etc? Did you just land a job that you’ve been applying for since last year, etc? — You’ve taken power away from them, the power to take credit for your own creations and skills. “I showed you that…I taught you that…you never knew that before me…you got that job because of me.” Sometimes they might not even outright say this (because they are smart enough to know that others may judge them) but they will certainly let you know passive-aggressively.

“They want to see you do good. But never better than them. Remeber that.”

If you are a narcissist on the path to self-awareness, I hope you find this article beneficial. Understand how your actions may affect those around you and heal. ❤️

“You don’t have to disrespect and insult others simply to hold your own ground. If you do, that shows how shaky you own position is.”